What Defines Us: The Unholy Confessions Book Two Read online

  Copyright © 2021 by Laura Christopher

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means. Including photocopying, recording or other electronic or mechanical methods, without written prior consent of the publisher. Except in the case of brief quotation embodied in the critical reviews and certain noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  Resemblance to actual persons and things living or dead, locations or events is entirely coincidental.

  ISBN: 9798589925722

  Cover designer and Formatter- Laura Christopher

  Cover photographer- ValuaVitaly via IStockphoto

  Editor- Johnny Ray Smoot

  This book deals with subjects that some readers may find triggering and difficult to read. Including murder, death, loss, and the mention of eating disorders, specifically B.E.D.

  Proceed with caution and enjoy.

  This book is dedicated to anyone who has ever felt like you’re not good enough. That if you were just ‘a little more…’ or ‘a little less…’ you would fit in just like everyone else around you. Well, hold those middle fingers in the air and keep on being you.

  Keep on being perfectly imperfect because that is exactly who and what you were meant to be.

  It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences. - Audre Lorde

  “Mood” - 24kGoldn feat. Iann Dior

  “Gives you hell” - The All American Rejects

  “Most Girls” - Hailee Steinfeld

  “Blinding Light” - The Weekend

  “She Hates Me” - Puddle Of Mudd

  “Skinny Love” - Bon Iver

  “So You Know” - InMe

  “The Chronicles of Life and Death” - Good Charlotte

  “Face Down” - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

  “Welcome to My Life” - Simple Plan

  “My Own Worst Enemy” - Lit

  “I’m Not Oaky (I Promise) “ - My Chemical Romance

  “Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous” - Good Charlotte

  “Hands Down” - Dashboard Confessional

  “Save you” - Turin Brakes

  “Dear God” - Avenged Sevenfold

  “Angel With A Shotgun” - The Cab

  “The Best Thing (That Never Happened)”- We Are The In Crowd

  My little sunflower.

  Ever since I could remember, my dad would always call me that when he would bring me those perfectly round yellow sunflowers. On every birthday, valentine’s day, Easter, Fourth of July. Sometimes just because he wanted to see me smile.

  I can remember one year when I had been too young to know better, I had cried because they weren’t pink. The next day I woke up to a bunch of faux pink sunflowers on my bedside table. Maybe it was a cliche that pink was my favorite color, but those little sunflowers still held pride of place on my small bedside table. They had faded slightly over the years, but they were my favorite gift that I had ever received.

  I would cherish those flowers every single time he gave them to me. They meant more to me than any expensive gift ever could or would. I didn’t need items to make me feel loved; I just needed my family. That is the most important thing in the world. Especially for me. Family was everything. It was all I had in reality. My parents and my brother were the only ones that I knew I could count on. They would always be there for me. Until suddenly, one day, they weren’t.

  A part of me wanted to say that everything that was to come was always meant to be. Because it led me to him. The truth of the matter was that I was unsure that if I could go back and change that one domino that led me to meeting Malone Delacruz that my heart would allow me to do so. Especially if it meant I would get to save a life. So many lives when you look at the bigger picture. I have to believe in my gut that I was meant to meet Malone. It was destined to be. What none of us realized was just how violent, destructive, and life-shattering it would be after that first fateful domino fell. You can’t change the past, and you can’t force your destiny. What’s meant to be will always find a way.

  Hudson High was not a place where someone like me fit in. Not really. I was too loud, too curvy, too opinionated, too big in every possible way. People always judged people on looks. No matter what they say. That was the truth of the matter. When people got to know others, they would befriend them, but there was always that judgment before they even gave them a chance. It didn’t matter how good of a person you were. Looks were everything. They opened doors for a lot of people. Doors that would never be willingly opened for me. I would have to bash my way through them, being too much in every way.

  I could feel eyes on me as I took my usual seat in American History. Hiding on the left side of the room with nothing but a wall next to me and Norman Macalister to my right. I knew that it was him. That it was those chocolate brown eyes of his that were looking at me. I could always tell when it was his eyes. It felt different than when anyone else bothered to look in my direction. It was as if there was a heat running down my spine every time those dark, chocolate brown eyes connected with me. Even if I didn’t see him, I always felt it. Every single time.

  That’s all he ever did when we were in public like this, though. Stare at me under those full lashes. I was his dirty, not so little, secret. Why would one of the most popular football players want to be seen with someone like me on his arm? No, Barlow Conway was only happy to place his calloused hands on me when no one else was around. I should have felt embarrassed about it. Ashamed even. Truthfully it was just nice to feel wanted. Even if it was only in secret. I suppose that only made everything all the worse. Especially seen as the only friend I had in the world was dating one of his football teammates. His friend.

  Nala always fit in. She was perfect in every way. She was small, so, so tiny. She had this flawless pale white skin and glossy natural light red hair. While I, on the other hand, was this big and curvy girl with blond hair that needed copious amounts of oil to smooth out the frizz and an inability to keep my mouth shut. It was my mom’s fault. She was just as outspoken as I was. I got it from her. Although I would rather be loud and stick up for myself when I needed to than let people walk all over me. Isn’t that what I had been letting Barlow do, though, for the last year?

  Walking through the halls of Hudson High, I knew that no one paid me any attention. It was funny because on any show or film you see on the television. Hell, In any book you read, the fat kids always got relentlessly bullied in high school. That was not my reality. I was mostly completely and totally ignored. I wasn’t sure if that was better or worse. Worse probably, because I felt like I was not good enough to even be seen. I was no one.

  Suddenly a door to my right burst opened, and I was pulled inside, shrieking as it slammed shut behind me. My heart thumped fast, and my stomach clenched. I knew that it was him before the door had closed behind me. No words were spoken as those calloused hands of his roamed my body and warm, wet lips pressed against my neck.

  “What are you doing?” I asked, trying to step away at the same time, but I couldn’t bring myself to move out of his warmth. That very warmth that had brought me comfort over the years we had been doing…... this.

  “Don’t be like that.”

  “Like what?”

  “There’s not long left” I knew he meant until we graduated. He would be going off to college on the other side of the country in mere months while I would be staying exactly where I already was. Following in my mom’s footsteps, “Still time to change your mind, Claire.”

  Sighing, I allowed him to kiss me on the lips fo
rcefully. Why he thought that I would change my mind and follow him to the college he would be going to, I didn’t understand. What, just so that we could continue doing this? So, I would continue to be his dirty little secret? No, I had more self-respect than that. I think.

  I wasn’t sure that I even liked Barlow all that much. I liked the way that he touched me. The things that he made me feel when his hands caressed my body. That was all this was, though. We would never be a couple. Not a real one. He would never walk through the halls of Hudson High, holding my hand. He would never take me out on a proper date at a restaurant or to the movies. He would never take me to his house to meet his parents, family, or friends. This was all we would ever be, and it wasn’t even anything. Not really. All we had were stolen moments just like this one right now. Ones that I no longer even wanted to be having.

  “Come on, I don’t have long until someone notices I’m missing” he went to undo his jeans with one hand as he held me close to him.

  “No,” I struggled out his grip, finally putting some distance between us. “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

  “What?” His hands fell from me instantly. “What do you mean, Claire?”

  “I can’t…. I’m not a dirty little secret, Barlow,” I swallowed. “If you can’t walk these halls with me, then we can’t continue to do this in secret” We had already been doing this too long as it was.

  “Why the sudden change of heart?” He was angry. No, he wasn’t angry, he was confused, and I could understand that. We had been doing this for a long time now. Over a year. Actually, It was closer to two, and this was the first time I had ever refused his touch.

  I didn’t know how to answer him. Not without saying the words that would make me cry. He had seen me in many ways since this started, but I was not about to show him that. He couldn’t have that too.

  Barlow wasn’t a bad guy. At the same time, though, he was not one of the good guys either. He wouldn’t have kept me hidden away like a dirty pair of sweats that he only wore in the sanctuary of his own home if he wasn’t.

  “You said so yourself. We don’t have long left here.”

  “And?”

  “And I have a lot… stuff going on.”

  “Like?”

  “Please, Barlow,” he moved closer to me once again as his lips pressed into my cheek as if his touch was going to change my mind. It was made up, and now I had made that decision and said those words out loud, there was no going back. It was just the way that I was. Stubborn as a mule.

  “Is that what you really want?” A solo finger ran down the side of my neck, and I knew that he could feel my pulse racing. My heart felt like it was about to explode out of my chest. A mixture of fear, desire, and determination were coursing through my veins.

  “I’m sorry” my voice was barely a whisper as tears began to burn, my eyes threatening to fall.

  “Me too,” he sighed. “I wish I could be a better person, Claire” he pressed his lips lightly against my forehead just once. “I really like you.”

  “Just not enough to tell anyone about us,” it wasn’t a question, and he knew it.

  “I’m sorry,” he went to say more, but I couldn’t hear his words. So, I fled the storage closet with the tears in my eyes running down my cheeks. I don’t even know why I felt so upset about ending what we had. I didn’t love him. I just about liked him. Maybe it was because he was the first and only boy to ever give me attention like that. I had lost my virginity to him in the backseat of his red hummer after all.

  Sucking in a breath, I left instead of going to my next class. I couldn’t stay in this building any longer. Not while he was there, watching me with those chocolate brown eyes full of questions that I refused to answer.

  Aimlessly, I wandered up and down main street for almost an hour before I walked to the one place I really wanted to go. Every other time I tried to go inside, I would just stand across the street and stare at it just like I was right now. As if it was some kind of unreachable location. My eyes stared at those five words pulled across the sign above the parlor. ‘The Unholy Confessions Tattoo Parlor.’

  I wanted to do this.

  I needed to do it, and yet here I was for the third time this month just standing across the street. Unable to move. Unable to do the one thing I had wanted to do since it happened. Since my dad told us the news that he was ill, that he had cancer.

  Come on, Claire.

  It should have been easier than this. Maybe, maybe I needed to get someone to do this with me. Nala wouldn’t go for it, not if she knew where we were going first. She would talk me out of it. I knew that. My best friend who faked every smile these days. Watching her expressionless face as she sat beside Brandon Matthews each and every day was killing my soul but…... but I couldn’t do anything about it. She had to do it herself. She had to take a real good look at her boyfriend. At Brandon Matthews and realize that he was sucking every ounce of life out of her. Just like I had done with Barlow. Not that Nala knew about anything that had happened between her boyfriend’s teammate and me. I don’t know why I expected him to tell people when I couldn’t even tell my best friend.

  One last glance at the parlor, I tugged on the strap of my bookbag on my shoulder and turned to leave. Only as I moved, I collided with someone on the sidewalk before I even managed to take a full step. Warm, almost burning hot, soft hands grabbed ahold of my sides, sending shivers erupting all over my body as whoever it was had saved me from falling down onto the ground.

  “Watch where you’re going, sweetheart” a deep, gravelly voice startled me. Moving my eyes down, I felt them widen, seeing a man, several inches shorter than I was, looking up at me with these steel-gray eyes. I had never seen eyes that deep of a gray before. They were almost memorizing.

  Not daring to speak, my eyes clocked the worn, black leather vest he was wearing. He was one of them. One of the bikers in the local gang. The Unholy Confessions. It made sense that he was here. They owned the tattoo parlor across the street, after all. It was named after their gang.

  Turning around, I tugged myself out of his warm hands and all but ran down the sidewalk, not daring to so much as a glance over my shoulder until I was out of sight. I wasn’t sure if I was more scared of who he was or how nervous he had made me feel when he had touched me.

  The next day at school was awkward.

  It all started with finding one solo sunflower stuck in the vent on the front of my locker. I knew exactly who had put it there, and I hated that he knew how special that was to me. I wish I had never told him about my dad giving me these flowers and how special it made me feel. I wished that I had done so many things differently since that first drunken kiss outside of ‘Unicorn Scoops’ almost two years ago.

  I had been working there that summer. Spending most of my days serving my peers from Hudson High, and they never would acknowledge that they knew me. Except for Barlow. He would come in every single day and strike up a conversation with me. Not when there was anyone else there he knew, though. Then he started to come in when I worked evening shifts. It made me feel special. That he would come in just to talk to me under the pretense of buying an ice cream cone.

  One night when I was closing up and Barlow hadn’t come in, a part of me was worried that there was something wrong. Then I realized it was the night of one of Brandon’s parties at his stupidly big house. I had heard a group of girls talking about it the other day. No, house was not grand enough of a description for it. It was a mansion.

  Barlow would have been at that party, and the thought of that alone made me feel sick to the pit of my stomach. Why would he come to see me when he could party, get drunk, and have all of the fun he wanted with one of the cheerleaders that were always hanging off the football players in our high school? It was a rule, so it seemed.

  Just as I pulled the shutter down before starting my walk home, I heard staggering footsteps and instantly felt like I was on high alert. It was Barlow, though, and somehow, we ended up sitting
on the ground outside of the ice cream parlor drinking whiskey straight out of the bottle that he had stolen from the party. Then he kissed me. It only escalated from there, but it was all a secret. I was okay with that. At least I told myself that I was okay with it. I knew that I couldn’t expect anything more. Not when I was who I was.

  Barlow seemed to be watching me even closer than before today, and I had to stop myself from shouting at him to stop. So instead, I settled for discreetly flipping him off every time I caught him looking my way. He smiled every single time, though, hiding that smile behind his hand as if he were yawning. I am not going to lie. It made me smile too.

  Waiting in the cafeteria line, I looked around the room before my eyes stopped at his table. Nala was sat there, and she looked, god, she looked awful. Worse than she had been all week. She looked a mix between green and gray. It was almost like she was either going to pass out or throw up at any given second. Pulling my cell phone out of my pants pocket, I sent her a text to make sure she was okay but turned away just as Barlow sat down at their table, eyes on me. I missed him a little, I guess. There was this pull to him, and part of me hated that pull. I wasn’t in love with him. I knew that, but there was still something there. Maybe I would have been in love with him if our relationship hadn’t been what it had been. A dirty little secret. One last look at Nala, I could see that she looked almost upset. Maybe I should be honest with her about Barlow, and then she would be honest about what was going on with her. Brandon was no good for her, but…... maybe it was this place. Maybe it was White Church Creek that was toxic. The whole damn town.